Jill L. Adelson, Ph.D., a research scientist at Duke TIP, and Hope E. Wilson, Ph.D., an associate professor at the University of North Florida, are currently writing a second edition of their book, Letting Go of Perfect: Overcoming Perfectionism in Kids and Teens, published by Prufrock Press. To support that effort, they want to hear from you!
Go to https://tinyurl.com/TIPperfectionism to share your stories and/or advice about perfectionism. You could be chosen to be featured in the updated and revised book (and receive a free copy). Parents, educators, and students are welcome to participate.
Oftentimes, we hear parents and educators wishing that children and adolescents wouldn’t be perfectionists. We hear them question how their child or student could be “such a perfectionist” in one area and “so sloppy” or “not care” in another. These common issues shed light on the nature of perfectionism.
In this post, we would like to reframe the issue altogether. Rather than look at “perfectionism” as an overall trait or characteristic, we want to concentrate on perfectionistic behaviors or tendencies. In other words, we don’t view perfectionism as a constant state of being. Rather, we acknowledge that context comes into play regarding the degree to which someone demonstrates perfectionistic behaviors.
Moreover, perfectionistic behaviors are not all bad. After all, we want our surgeons to strive to do the absolute best possible job removing cancer, repairing a broken bone, or stitching a laceration. We want our tax accountants not to make mistakes in determining how much we owe or should be refunded. We want our pharmacists to accurately dispense the correct prescription in the correct amount. Perfectionistic behaviors may manifest in healthy and in unhealthy ways, and it is often when they are unhealthy that parents and educators become concerned or frustrated.
We’ve classified students’ perfectionistic behaviors into different “types” of perfectionism. These are not exclusive—people may demonstrate behaviors in more than one of these types, particularly depending on the situation. Again, context matters.
The following five types of perfectionism are from our book Letting Go of Perfect: Overcoming Perfectionism in Kids and Teens, published by Prufrock Press.
Academic Achievers primarily are characterized by high expectations for their academic performance, with a strong focus on external evaluations, such as grades. Academic Achievers are often emotionally upset with grades that are less than the highest performance levels. They may engage in dichotomous thinking—for example, equating an 89% on a spelling test with “failing.” They also often generalize poor performance on one assignment or in one class to their overall level of intelligence or self-worth—for example, “I got a B on my math homework; I must not be very smart.”
Aggravated Accuracy Assessors focus on mistakes and often spend inordinate amounts of time attempting to create “perfect” work. They often spend time on their homework to the detriment of other activities, such as socializing with friends and family, extracurriculars, and sleep.
Risk Evaders often will choose to disengage when faced with the possibility of not being successful or the best. For example, a high school student might choose to avoid Advanced Placement classes, hesitant they might not be able to achieve high grades in more challenging classes. At younger ages, Risk Evaders may avoid answering questions in class or completing assignments.
Controlling Image Managers focus on the perceptions of others and attempting to preserve the appearance of perfection or high levels of success. For instance, they might intentionally not study so that they can say they would have done well if they had just put in the effort. This easily can create conflicts with peers when students quit playing or “throw” games when it appears that they may lose.
Procrastinating Perfectionists often will delay beginning their work when faced with looming expectations and the fear of not meeting them. Children may fall into this profile’s behaviors as a way to avoid risk or preserve their image. If they wait until the last minute and then rush through their work, then they have an excuse for lesser quality. Other children may procrastinate due to anxiety, paralyzed by fear that their performance will not live up to their expectations.
As part of our continued work to support parents, educators, and children, we are updating and revising Letting Go of Perfect. We would love to hear your stories and advice.
Parents and Educators: What advice do you have for other parents and educators of children who are struggling with unhealthy perfectionistic behaviors? Is there a time that your child/student struggled with unhealthy perfectionistic tendencies? What helped them use their perfectionistic tendencies in a healthy way or stop their unhealthy perfectionistic behaviors?
Students: What is your advice to a younger student who is struggling with unhealthy perfectionistic behaviors? Is there a time an educator or parent helped you use your perfectionistic tendencies in a healthy way or stop your unhealthy perfectionistic behaviors?
Go to https://tinyurl.com/TIPperfectionism to share your stories and/or advice about perfectionism. You could be chosen to be featured in the updated and revised book (and receive a free copy).
Jessica Losey says
My son will not try something if he knows it will not be perfect. When/if he sits down to draw he gets frustrated and tears it up. I am very conscientious of my own behavior and want to help him with this. I’m scared to say the wrong thing to further this beast called perfectionism. (I obviously have it too).
How can I encourage him to try new things and excel at his natural talents without pushing perfection? Thank you!
Valerie says
You sound like me. I also received an ADD diagnosis in adulthood, and like you, I still struggle with perfectionism. If it can’t be done perfectly, it’s just not getting done. I spend an inordinate amount of time figuring out how to do ‘the thing’ perfectly, which often leaves me with little time to actually get the thing done.
I’m also a 51 year-old attorney. If you find the answer, please share it with me. I am hoping not to lead my upcoming 8th grade daughter down a similar path.
Sharon Moody says
Having been a perfectionist (I believe, different perfectionist behaviors to suit different outcomes) in childhood, I still find myself struggling with the tendencies. It certainly helps me to not be able to focus too much on what I would otherwise become a perfectionist over. I obsess easily over things that even hold my attention for a few hours, making it an issue. Almost as if I need the distraction, I find relief in having too many irons in the fire, so to speak.
I began home schooling in 2007 and when the children were younger, I found I would project my tendencies onto them, creating stress, feelings of despair and anxiety as well as causing procrastination to develop out of fear of failure. As they have grown, I realize that I cannot be perfect and any expectations of perfectionism is unrealistic and overbearing.
In a nutshell, I have to counteract the desire to do a task in perfection to the nth of a degree with the priority of the big picture. Stepping back proverbially helps reset my thinking. “Do I need to make certain that absolutely every dot is over every i, or is it more important that I just sit with my child while he/she writes?
When I see the perfectionist tendency rear its ugly head, I have my child step back and reassess the situation and have them think about what the end-goal is. This is a new mindset that takes structured reinforcement, not perfectionism. Helping my children realize that not being perfect is not failure is very important for their growth out of perfectionist behavior. What also helps us is knowing that not being perfect doesn’t mean the world is going to end. It does not mean disappointment. Nothing catastrophic will happen if not every duck is in a row. People make mistakes. Learn from your mistakes. Move on to the next challenge with confidence that even if you make a mistake, it can either be corrected or learned from.
Another important aspect is to not over-praise, causing the child to feel like their work is less than perfect because they haven’t heard the magic words; “That’s perfect! Great job, keep it up” every time they scribble a line on a sheet of construction paper. Recognizing hard work is good, praising for doing what is reasonably expected is not. I don’t think its a fine line, I think the two are worlds apart.
Thank you for the opportunity to voice my opinion and taking the time to read this reply.
Leslie Pickett Sheehan says
I do not know how to help my child with his perfectionist tendencies because I have never learned to deal with my own.
I was diagnosed with ADD in the second semester of my 3rd year of law school at age 29, so obviously I developed some sort of coping mechanisms but not skills at dealing with my executive functioning issues and my self diagnosed ‘perfectionism’. I recognized some of the same early signs in my son by age 6 and had him tested and diagnosed with ADHD by age 7. He was later tested academically and achieved ‘Gifted’ status for what that is worth in elementary and secondary public schools. He is an upcoming 8th grader and has a 504 plan which I have had to literally fight the school system to keep the last two years because his teachers say they cannot see he needs it because he makes good grades. They don’t see what goes into getting those grades; they don’t see how much harder his brain is having to work to keep focusing and achieving those grades and how much more anxiety that is producing in him. Our saving grace has been his mental health providers willingness to appear before the school committees and provide written and in person testimony as to his diagnoses, his conditions, and the medical necessity of continuity in the provision of his 504 plans.
All of the above is just background to my first statement and this follow-up question: if we the parents are also diagnosed or non diagnosed perfectionists who have never achieved or even received any assistance in overcoming our own deficiencies/failings/poor self image, what have you, how can we help our children? I’m afraid I am subconsciously steering him down the same road I was set upon, and my parents were set upon – both over achievers and each with their own self image issues among others which neither would agree to recognize.
This is just a multi, multi layer/factorial issue, and the more you the parent are informed – either from study or from personal experience and self-study – the deeper and stickier and grayer the whole thing becomes.
I just want to save my child from going through his academic and professional life being emotionally yoyo’ed from pride at personal achievements rightfully deserved to anxiety, depression, being overwhelmed, fear of failure, and fear of being found a fraud. I want him to be given the opportunity to recognize these issues for what they are and to learn skills to effectively deal with them instead of running from and trying to hide and bury them all of his life. I have never been successful at it and I am now almost 52 years old and not content with what I have achieved, even though I have been and continue to be in professional counseling.
Enough already. I think you most likely get my point.
Thank you for reading.
Sarah Wilson says
I think it would be an interesting aspect to include parents who find themselves pushing their child for perfection. I find my child exhibits some of these traits but that the force behind achievement comes from me, not him. I