Paris Andrew, TIP’s Director of Partnerships and Engagement, is here to help gifted students. She used to run the residential programming at TIP’s educational programs, and she is completing a PhD in related areas, so she knows what she’s talking about.
Dear Paris,
I have some friends that I know aren’t good for me (well, one in particular). I just don’t know what to do. It would be weird if I just stopped talking to them because they’re in my friend group. I tried that, but after a while they just asked me why I was mad at them. They hold me back academically because they talk about random things during class sometimes and I can’t focus. —C., seventh grade
Dear C.,
It can be very difficult to maintain a friendship with someone who does not share your priorities. It is especially difficult in middle school, because that is the time when people start to sort out their priorities and figure out who they are—causing them to drift away from old friends and make new ones. For example, some people will start to identify with being great at sports; we hope TIPsters will identify with being great at academics; and still others may start to put music or theater at the top of what is most important to them.
But there will always be some people who can’t seem to settle down or choose priorities beyond talking, getting attention, and trying to figure out the complex world of human interaction. (That’s a nice way of saying some people have trouble moving away from being childish, gossiping, or creating drama as a priority!)
All of this is to say that a vital part of growing up is deciding what is important to you, protecting what is important to you, and choosing people who support you in your goals. It sounds like you are ready to take this step, so congratulations!
But taking that step is going to require you to set some boundaries. And, if you are like every other seventh grader who ever graced this planet, you are going to notice that your friend group is starting to morph into something new. That’s natural. Think of friend circles as individual solar systems: each person becomes a sun and their friends are the planets that orbit around them. There’s overlap in friends, but every single member of your old friend group will eventually end up with their own unique constellation of friends.
How do you do that gracefully without making enemies or hurting feelings? You do it gradually, privately, and without apology. Try these steps as some suggestions:
Protect what is important to you by establishing boundaries. If doing well in school is important to you (and we hope it is), let all of your friends know that you really want to focus while you are in the classroom so you won’t be participating in unrelated conversations or stunts during class. Let your friends know you appreciate and treasure them, but you will be sitting away from them if they prove to be a distraction. Assure them you’ll focus on friendship during lunch, after school, or on weekends when academic obligations are not as important.
Understand that you can act without making a declaration. If you need to avoid some people in your current friend circle, do so without announcing it to the rest of your friends or making a big deal about it.
For example, let’s say you are smart enough to recognize that a certain friend distracts you in the classroom. If so, engage with them, if you feel the need to continue doing so, outside of school—but detach from them while at school. Do this without announcing to the rest of your friend group why you are doing it. Let them form their own opinions about this friend.
If you’re asked why you are doing this by other people, stick to statements about how you feel and avoid making public judgements about others. Find a phrase you can repeat over and over, if need be, until they stop asking. For example, if friends keep asking why you aren’t joining them in texting each other, instead of paying attention to the teacher, say something like, “It has nothing to do with wanting to be your friend or not. I’m just making school a priority because my dream is to be a doctor and that’s what I need to do to make that happen.” You don’t have to apologize for wanting to steer your life in a certain direction and understanding what you need to do in order to get there.
Know that you can’t change anyone else, you can only change yourself. If you see a close friend going in the wrong direction, you can try positive reinforcement by saying something like, “I know you’re really smart. Why do you think you didn’t do that project? You could have turned the best project in the entire class in.” But if you decide to do this, understand that, ultimately, it’s up to your friends to change themselves.
All you can do is lead by example and try to steer them away from the dark side by reinforcing their good attributes. But under no circumstances should you follow them to the dark side; that is not a requirement of friendship. And if you see someone drifting into real trouble (stealing, doing drugs, or otherwise breaking the law), let an adult like your teacher or a parent know and ask to remain anonymous as the source. It’s the job of the adults in your life to handle these serious situations.
Relax and let the inevitable happen. With every year that passes from here on out, you and your friends are going to grow increasingly busy with your own unique academic goals, extracurricular activities, hobbies, and family obligations. As this happens, your friends will change and evolve, and come and go.
Everyone goes through this. It’s an important part of becoming yourself. So remain positive and look at every change as an opportunity to make new friends. And if you have certain old friends you really want to make time for, because they nourish and support you, then by all means do so with your free time. But let this natural process happen. If you do, in the end, you will end up with a unique group of friends who share your interests and appreciate you for being you. What could be better?
Good luck!
Have a question for Paris? Use our submission form to get the advice you need.
Jacqueline says
I am so impressed with this article! Paris wrote a very straightforward message and doled out helpful advice. The details on how to deal with friendships that may be hindering learning in the classroom was spot on. Thank you!
K says
This is amazing advice on handling restricting friendships! Thank You!