Paris Andrew, TIP’s Director of Partnerships and Engagement, is here to help gifted students. She used to run the residential programming at TIP’s educational programs, and she is completing a PhD in related areas, so she knows what she’s talking about.
Dear Paris,
How do you stay away from drama when your friends love creating drama and you don’t want to lose them? My friends like drama and they get mad if I separate myself from them and go with other friends. What should I do? —Not a Drama Queen, fifth grade
Dear Not a Drama Queen,
This answer is for you and all the other TIPsters who wrote in with similar problems about friend drama this month (which tells you how common this problem can be).
First of all, it can help to understand why people overreact to small problems or seek out conflict. Sometimes, they want attention. Sometimes, they have been hurt and want to spread their unhappiness to others. At other times, they may be bored, or are jealous and so want to sabotage others. These are all emotions that many people cannot deal with effectively, so they try to put them on other people or distract themselves with adrenaline-producing drama.
Worse, a lot of free-time activities these days encourage overreacting, like watching drama-laden television shows or creating posts for social media. Understanding the root reason why a person is driven to create drama can help you understand them better. But, in the end, remember this: unnecessary drama takes energy and time away from the things that really are important in life.
Once you realize this, and decide you have better things to do, you will find the courage to manage the drama in your friend circle by doing any or all of these things:
- Work out problems with your friends by talking about them openly, honestly, and with respect before they turn into bigger problems.
- If the friendships are really important to you, talk over why and when the drama started with your friends and see if you can help them identify what the real problem or issue is.
- Instead of being directly involved in a drama, you could be the person who is willing to listen and offer feedback. Tell your friends you won’t take sides or be a part of the drama, but ask if there is anything else you can do to help. Explain you want to remain neutral because protecting all of your friendships is your main priority.
- If you choose to help mediate drama among your friends, remember that once you place yourself in the middle, you are more likely to alienate at least one of the sides. Use caution before you offer to do this.
- Model good behavior by remaining positive, avoiding negative comments about others, and dealing with conflict in healthy, calm, non-exaggerated ways.
- Make a pact among your friends that you will root for each, not compete against each other. Competition is often the root cause of drama among friends.
- Remind everyone of the good times you have together and plan fun activities that keep you all so busy you have little time left over to engage in drama. Plus, your friends might forget about their feuds if they’re having a good time with each other. This probably means actually doing something, like hiking or going to an amusement park. It does not mean sitting around and texting each other. It’s very easy to misunderstand the tone of what people are saying when you’re communicating by texting or email. Talking in person eliminates a lot of the misunderstandings that spark drama.
- See if there is someone else in your circle who wants to join you in helping to reduce the drama. My guess is that you will find at least one ally willing to help you. Your chances of reducing drama will be higher if you have others working with you. Use these more emotionally mature friends in your circle as a refuge when the drama hits.
- Avoid being part of a smaller clique within your larger friend group as this can create drama.
- Avoid arguing or debating with the people in your group who love to create drama since giving them attention only encourages them to repeat that behavior. Even if you were to “win” the argument or debate, the other side would likely blow things out of proportion anyway and cause an even bigger round of drama.
- Remain attentive to how your friends who love drama interact with you. If you notice that they are trying to create conflict with you, find a reason to calmly exit the situation, change the subject, or talk to someone else.
- Avoid drama by staying away from unhealthy conflicts among your friends. This may mean declining to sleep over because last time you got together, two of your friends spent all night fighting. This will teach your friends that you have healthy boundaries and rob them of an audience for their dramas. Remember: drama-prone people feed off the attention of others. Refuse to give them that attention and the drama will likely stop.
- Avoid topics that rile up your drama-prone friends and refuse to engage in conversations you know will end in drama. For example, if you have a friend who explodes in drama about relationship issues or specific people, don’t ask about those things. Have some other topics to talk about instead. You can even start now by listing the topics that tend to set off drama so you know to avoid them.
- Tell your friends you have lots to do in your life and want to limit the time and energy you have to devote to drama. Make a pact to end conversations after five to ten minutes once the drama hits and then stick by your boundaries. Or have a “drama half hour” when you get together with them and pledge to ditch the drama once the half hour is over.
- Avoid phone calls or text wars involving drama. You don’t have to pick up the phone when a friend calls and you don’t have to answer their texts right away. Remain positive and cheerful later on when you explain you were off the grid with your family and could not respond right away. Each hour you can let go by before returning their message will lessen the drama.
- If someone doesn’t get the hint and keeps causing drama, you can always reduce the amount of time you spend with that person without cutting them out entirely. Some people are best enjoyed in small doses. And if they keep trying to engage you in drama? Consider whether the friendship is worth it.
- If all else fails, slowly phase out of the friendship but avoid just disappearing or ghosting them (this will only create more drama).
Acknowledging the futility of useless drama is a sign of maturity. Congratulations and have fun with all the time you’ll save once you learn to recognize and reduce it!
Dear Paris,
I have this “friend” that I’m off and on with. She will spend time with one person and never have time for anyone else. It hurts my feelings when she leaves me out. I don’t know if I should be her friend. Whenever I try to end the friendship, she makes a big deal out of it and pretends she didn’t do anything. Can you help me? —Clueless, fourth grade
Dear Clueless,
I would not say you are clueless at all. You have recognized a pattern of behavior in someone who is your friend and you have acknowledged that it hurts you. This is a huge step in understanding life! Now you just need to learn what you can do when that happens.
In your case, if I were you, the first thing I would do is widen my circle of friends so that I do not have to depend too much on any one person to provide me with friendship. You can’t control what she does (and you should not try to), but you can certainly control what you do. Make more friends, and I promise you that it will no longer matter so much what one of them does.
Is there a new person in your school who seems interesting? Approach them and ask them where they are from and go from there.
Is there someone in one of your classes whose comments in class intrigue you? Ask them to expand on what they said one day after class and see if that leads to friendship.
Have you noticed someone sitting alone in the cafeteria or media center, or avoiding having to sit alone by heading out to read under a tree? Approach them and ask them what they are reading, or simply introduce yourself and ask them what they like to do when they aren’t in school.
If you are a shy person or this seems scary to you, write down some questions ahead of time that are easy to answer and encourage other people to share more about themselves with you. Be sure to offer information about yourself back.
Then tell a supportive adult in your life—ideally a parent or guardian—that you are widening your circle of friends and would like to invite a new friend or two over to hang out, or have a sleep-over, or to go with you to a family event. You don’t have to ditch your old friend or act like you are replacing her. You are simply adding more friends for when she is not available.
Not only will this allow you to confidently build your own life, it reduces the pressure on your other friend to always be there for you, and it teaches you a lifelong skill. If you learn how to express your interest in others and remain open to the possibility of new friends, you will always have someone to depend on—and you will learn so much more about the world along the way!
Have a question for Paris? Use our submission form to get the advice you need.